So, with that, on behalf of "24-a-minute," I present to you the first hour...er, minute. :P
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Previously on “24”...
*Flashback of Palmer sorta-dying is shown*
Audience: *GASP* OH NO! HE’S DEAD AGAIN!
David: I’m not dead, you idiots!
Audience: Oh.
Kiefer: The following takes place between 1 PM and 2 PM (Isn’t original??? Because we’re starting during the middle of the day??? And it’s not noon, but ONE? See??? Pssssh...you’re all a bunch of sorry saps!)
*cut to Random TerrorSquad on the loose in downtown LA*
Audience member #1: Oh great. It’s another one of those opening scenes where we don’t know the f**k is going on, and yet at the same time, it’s still kick-a$$.
Audience member #2: Hey, don’t they always shoot the first scene in some foreign city that we’ve never heard of?
AM #1: Heyyy...you’re right! You screwed us over, FOX!
*National Health Building that’s actually just some old office building blows up*
Lazy Security guard: Who? What? When? Where? How? AHHH! A dead body! Mommieee! Wahhh!!
*cut to prison...white hand touches virtual monitor*
Audience: *GASP* I wonder who’s hand it is?! Maybe it’s PALMER’S!
*screen reveals that it’s Jack*
Audience: Awww! I could have sworn that Palmer’s hand was white!
*screen reveals other person is Chase*
Audience: ....Like, whatever. Who cares about you?
Ramon: Hey, Jack. How’s the coke coming along?
Jack: Not so good. I think I’ve gained 10 pounds. I’d better switch to diet.
*enter lawyer*
Ramon: Hey, I’m gonna need a hacksaw.
Lawyer: What for?
Ramon: Nothing...except stabbing you and sending your sorry lawyer-a$$ to hell where it should be.
Lawyer: Ah. Well, in that case, just use my pen.
Ramon: Ooooh...that’s even better than a hacksaw! Thanks!
Lawyer: No prob- *gets stabbed* GAHHHH!!!
Jack: #$%&*!
Tech Guy: Dr. Macer, this was addressed to you...
Dr. Macer: Ooooh! I wonder what it could be? *sees dead body* Ewwww! Sickos!
Michelle: Hey, boys. Look! Cleavage!
Male Audience: WOO! YEAH!
Tony: Hey, girls. Look! Wedding rings!
Female Audience: Awww, that’s so cute!
Michelle: Tony, why do we have to go to Virginia? There’s nothing there but trees and fields.
Tony: Yeah, that and one of the biggest intelligence databases in the entire country.
Michelle: Oh, that. Right.
Adam: I’m Jimmy Fallon!
Tony: No, you’re not. You’re just some guy with a lot of eyeliner on!
Adam: Ah.
Tony: Almeida.
Dr. Macer: OMG! It’s Joaquim de Almeida! I just LOVED the way you talked to Jack through the one-way mirror!
Tony: Huh?
Dr. Macer: Who?
Tony: Aye, esto es muy estupido...
Dr. Macer: Que?
Chase: I still have barely any lines.
Jack: Nobody cares.
Chase: I do
*Palmer gets out of his limo*
Audience: OMG! Palmer is ALIVE...AGAIN!
*shows David and Wayne walking together*
Audience: OMG! After firing Patty, divorcing Sherry, and losing Lynne, David has discovered that he is gay!
Wayne: David, the advanced team dropped the ball.
Audience: Tee hee! He said “ball!”
Wayne: ...So, I fired Judy.
David: What else is new in this administration?
Reporter: Were you uneasy about coming back to Los Angeles, sir?
David: After almost being assassinated on 3 separate occasions and being impeached? Of course not!
*As they walk away, Wayne helps David up after breathing heavily and holds his shoulder*
Audience: Awwww...they’re so cute together!
DA: Jack, let’s do this.
Jack: No, I’m doing this my way.
*in the car...*
Chase: Hey, that wasn’t fair! Even that guy got more lines than I did!
Jack: Shut up.
Chase: So, how are ya doin’, dude?
Jack: Shut up.
*Jack’s cell phone rings*
Kate: Hi Jack. It’s Ka-
Jack: You ESPECIALLY shut up!
Kate: I don’t...understand.
Jack: What isn’t there to understand? You suck. You don’t even make a living. You just live off of your dad’s money and all you ever do these days is go to Country Clubs and parties so that you don’t have to be a total loser.
Kate: *eyes dilate* I’m sorry, Jack. Let me take care of things. I can bring over your jacket! Yeah, heh, that’s it. See, I’m still useful to the plot!
Jack: It’s sad really... *hangs up*
*Kate’s eyes dilate once more and she stands there motionless for several hours (see the upcoming “Kate Warner’s Wacky Subplot!” thread for more information)
Chase: What was that about?
Jack: Shut up.
Tony: Michelle, you won’t get the job until after the election.
Michelle: Not like it matters anyway, since you’ll be incapacitated within a matter of a few hours...
Tony: Huh?
Michelle: Nothing.
*Camera slowly zooms in on the behind of a blonde-haired mensa girl...it’s Kim!*
Kim: Adam, send the files to me.
Adam: No.
Kim: Why? Because you hate women?
Adam: No, I just hate you.
Kate: Ah. Well, in that case, allow me to wreak more havoc on the show, yet at the same time, demonstrate proficient computer skills and divulge witty remarks by blocking out your terminal.
*makes sly glance at Adam*
Adam: Uhm...what’s with the seductive glance?
Kim: For attracting more horny male viewers and scaring you. It serves a dual purpose really.
Adam: Ah.
Claudia: I’m the Hispanic Kate Warner!
Claudia’s father: And I’m the Hispanic Bob Warner!
Hector: And I’m the Hispanic Gaines!
Claudia: Or maybe I’m the Hispanic Marie!
Hector: Or maybe I’m the Hispanic Reza!
*Hector’s cell phone rings*
Hector: Si?
Gael: And I’m the Hispanic Mole! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Hector: That’s already been done, stupid!
Gael: Yes, but I’m male and nobody but you knows that I’m a mole!
Hector: Ah. Carry on then.
Jack: I’m on heroine! Er, I mean I’m just disgruntled.
Chloe: And I’m a lesbian! Er, I mean I’m just disgruntled.
Jack: If you’re going to be disgruntled, then talk to Adam.
Chloe: No. He hates women.
Jack: Well, if he’s gay and you’re a lesbian, then you two would make the perfect couple!
Chloe: Wow, you really are on heroine.
Jack: Shut up.
*Kim enters another “Teri-dyed” replica room, when suddenly someone from behind approaches...*
Audience: Ahhh! It’s PsychoDad! Wait, no! It’s SleazyCop! No, it’s CrazyLonnie! No, it’s the other, dumber Ramon! Wait. No. It’s...THE COUGAR!!!!
Writers: AHAHAHAHA! Psyche! What a bunch of gullible saps!
*audience finds out that it’s Chase*
Audience: Oh. Well, we don’t care about you anyway.
Chase: But we’re lovers, see??? *kisses Kim*
Audience: Big deal. We looked at all the spoilers over the summer.
Chase: Geeks!
Audience: Loser!
Kim: Hey, hey! Break it up!
Dr. Macer: The virus kills within 24 hours. There’s a latency period and-
Audience: Hmmm...this parallels Mason’s deterioration wayyyy too much. I’m not watching anymore.
Tony: You can log on, but you can never leave. AHAHAHAHA!
Audience: Touche, hombre.
Tony: Que?
*Cut to Kyle with cocaine*
Audience: LOSER!!!
Kyle: Oh come on. Like you haven’t done it before...
Hippie portion of audience: Touche.
Kyle’s mom: Honey...daddy is an incompetent worker and mommy lost her driver’s license because, well...I’m just a typical erratic California driver. So, like, could you drive me to Dialysis?
Kyle: Oooh, is that the new rock band that just came into town?
Kyle’s mom: ........
Kyle: Whatever mom. I have things to do...stupid teenage-Kim-like things...yeah.
Kyle’s mom: Who the hell is Kim?
David: And you see...that is why my economic reform plan will surely “pump California up!”
Reporters: Ahahaha! Very good, sir!
Wayne: Good, David. I like the “Californians are dumb” approach, but you need to let the people know about the fact that it was your administration that arrested Max, Alex Trepkos, and Mandy.
David: Huh? Alex Trebek and Mandy Moore did who in the what now?
Wayne: Ahhh...just read the next CTU Subcommittee book. Oh, hey look! It’s your white biatch!
Dr. Packard: Hi, I’m the white Patty!
Wayne: Oh brother...
David: Yes, Wayne. I am your brother.
Jack: Just do it NOW, Chloe!
Chloe: Do what?
Jack: I don’t know! Just do it NOWWWW!
Chase: What the hell are you doing, Jack?
Jack: I need you to fire Chloe. She’s slow.
Chase: No, you’re just on heroine.
Jack: Shut up.
Dubbed voice: We are *beep* in possession *beep* of a *beep* type 3 *beep* culinary virus *beep*...
Audience: STOP THE BEEPING ALREADY!!!!!
Dubbed voice: Psssh...fine. *beep*
Michelle: We just got the name on our John Doe. He name is David Goss, a drug dealer and-
“John Doe” Fans: JD was David Goss?! OMG! OMG! THANK YOU, FOX! CLOSURE! OH, SWEET CLOSURE!
Hector: Dump the bodies.
*Claudia’s eyes dilate*
Hector: I guess you truly are the Hispanic Kate.
*back to El Rancho Narcotico....*
Claudia: You promised to not expose my father and my little brother to your illegal business! You lied!
Hector: Hey, I’m a bad guy. What did you expect?
Kyle: *staring at Linda and friend* Dude, they’re e hot.
Kyle’s friend: Yeah. Let’s do them after you’re done with your drug-related tomfoolery.
Audience: What the hell is this? “The O.C.”?
David: Well technically, it used to be.
Dr. Packard: Oh, but it still is. *gives David a long, wet one.* Here are your Viagra pills to keep that little David of yours throwing nice big stones.
David: I think I’ve died and gone to heaven.
Dr. Packard: No sweetie, I’m afraid that you’re Far From Heaven.
David: Yeah, it’s gonna be another one of those long days...
Dr. Packard: How do you figure?
David: The writers told me.
Dr. Packard: Ah.
Chase: I know what Salazar did to you.
Jack: Shut up, stupid.
Chase: Tsk tsk. You’re not supposed to add the “stupid” until the next show.
Jack: Oh, sorry.
Chase: Look, I’m just saying that you do what you gotta do, man...cowboy...dude ...person...whatever.
*Jack turns off the lights and carefully prepares his secret life of drugs, while psychotic heroin music plays in the background*
Kim: *on phone* Hi dad. I’m here to ruin everything again...except in a good way.
Jack: I’m gonna need a hacksaw for you, Kim.
Kim: Huh??
Jack: Nothing sweetie. Daddy loves you.
*Jack hangs up and throws piles of stuff all over the place*
Tony: What do you think Jack’s doing in there?
Michelle: He’s probably enjoying some good cookin’ with Nicole. *wink*
Tony: Who?
Michelle: Uhm...wait till the episode till you get shot. You’ll see.
Tony: Nicole? "Episode?" Shot? That's IN-SANE, Michelle! IN-SANE! *finger-twirl*
Jack: Hey, will you two SHUT UP DOWN THERE!?
1:00:58...1:00:59...1:01:00.
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-L.D. ("I've kicked it."-Jack Bauer)