So, with that, on behalf of "24-a-minute," I present to you the first hour...er, minute. :P
Previously on ď24Ē...
*Flashback of Palmer sorta-dying is shown*
Audience: *GASP* OH NO! HEíS DEAD AGAIN!
David: Iím not dead, you idiots!
Kiefer: The following takes place between 1 PM and 2 PM (Isnít original??? Because weíre starting during the middle of the day??? And itís not noon, but ONE? See??? Pssssh...youíre all a bunch of sorry saps!)
*cut to Random TerrorSquad on the loose in downtown LA*
Audience member #1: Oh great. Itís another one of those opening scenes where we donít know the f**k is going on, and yet at the same time, itís still kick-a$$.
Audience member #2: Hey, donít they always shoot the first scene in some foreign city that weíve never heard of?
AM #1: Heyyy...youíre right! You screwed us over, FOX!
*National Health Building thatís actually just some old office building blows up*
Lazy Security guard: Who? What? When? Where? How? AHHH! A dead body! Mommieee! Wahhh!!
*cut to prison...white hand touches virtual monitor*
Audience: *GASP* I wonder whoís hand it is?! Maybe itís PALMERíS!
*screen reveals that itís Jack*
Audience: Awww! I could have sworn that Palmerís hand was white!
*screen reveals other person is Chase*
Audience: ....Like, whatever. Who cares about you?
Ramon: Hey, Jack. Howís the coke coming along?
Jack: Not so good. I think Iíve gained 10 pounds. Iíd better switch to diet.
Ramon: Hey, Iím gonna need a hacksaw.
Lawyer: What for?
Ramon: Nothing...except stabbing you and sending your sorry lawyer-a$$ to hell where it should be.
Lawyer: Ah. Well, in that case, just use my pen.
Ramon: Ooooh...thatís even better than a hacksaw! Thanks!
Lawyer: No prob- *gets stabbed* GAHHHH!!!
Tech Guy: Dr. Macer, this was addressed to you...
Dr. Macer: Ooooh! I wonder what it could be? *sees dead body* Ewwww! Sickos!
Michelle: Hey, boys. Look! Cleavage!
Male Audience: WOO! YEAH!
Tony: Hey, girls. Look! Wedding rings!
Female Audience: Awww, thatís so cute!
Michelle: Tony, why do we have to go to Virginia? Thereís nothing there but trees and fields.
Tony: Yeah, that and one of the biggest intelligence databases in the entire country.
Michelle: Oh, that. Right.
Adam: Iím Jimmy Fallon!
Tony: No, youíre not. Youíre just some guy with a lot of eyeliner on!
Dr. Macer: OMG! Itís Joaquim de Almeida! I just LOVED the way you talked to Jack through the one-way mirror!
Dr. Macer: Who?
Tony: Aye, esto es muy estupido...
Dr. Macer: Que?
Chase: I still have barely any lines.
Jack: Nobody cares.
Chase: I do
*Palmer gets out of his limo*
Audience: OMG! Palmer is ALIVE...AGAIN!
*shows David and Wayne walking together*
Audience: OMG! After firing Patty, divorcing Sherry, and losing Lynne, David has discovered that he is gay!
Wayne: David, the advanced team dropped the ball.
Audience: Tee hee! He said ďball!Ē
Wayne: ...So, I fired Judy.
David: What else is new in this administration?
Reporter: Were you uneasy about coming back to Los Angeles, sir?
David: After almost being assassinated on 3 separate occasions and being impeached? Of course not!
*As they walk away, Wayne helps David up after breathing heavily and holds his shoulder*
Audience: Awwww...theyíre so cute together!
DA: Jack, letís do this.
Jack: No, Iím doing this my way.
*in the car...*
Chase: Hey, that wasnít fair! Even that guy got more lines than I did!
Jack: Shut up.
Chase: So, how are ya doiní, dude?
Jack: Shut up.
*Jackís cell phone rings*
Kate: Hi Jack. Itís Ka-
Jack: You ESPECIALLY shut up!
Kate: I donít...understand.
Jack: What isnít there to understand? You suck. You donít even make a living. You just live off of your dadís money and all you ever do these days is go to Country Clubs and parties so that you donít have to be a total loser.
Kate: *eyes dilate* Iím sorry, Jack. Let me take care of things. I can bring over your jacket! Yeah, heh, thatís it. See, Iím still useful to the plot!
Jack: Itís sad really... *hangs up*
*Kateís eyes dilate once more and she stands there motionless for several hours (see the upcoming ďKate Warnerís Wacky Subplot!Ē thread for more information)
Chase: What was that about?
Jack: Shut up.
Tony: Michelle, you wonít get the job until after the election.
Michelle: Not like it matters anyway, since youíll be incapacitated within a matter of a few hours...
*Camera slowly zooms in on the behind of a blonde-haired mensa girl...itís Kim!*
Kim: Adam, send the files to me.
Kim: Why? Because you hate women?
Adam: No, I just hate you.
Kate: Ah. Well, in that case, allow me to wreak more havoc on the show, yet at the same time, demonstrate proficient computer skills and divulge witty remarks by blocking out your terminal.
*makes sly glance at Adam*
Adam: Uhm...whatís with the seductive glance?
Kim: For attracting more horny male viewers and scaring you. It serves a dual purpose really.
Claudia: Iím the Hispanic Kate Warner!
Claudiaís father: And Iím the Hispanic Bob Warner!
Hector: And Iím the Hispanic Gaines!
Claudia: Or maybe Iím the Hispanic Marie!
Hector: Or maybe Iím the Hispanic Reza!
*Hectorís cell phone rings*
Gael: And Iím the Hispanic Mole! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Hector: Thatís already been done, stupid!
Gael: Yes, but Iím male and nobody but you knows that Iím a mole!
Hector: Ah. Carry on then.
Jack: Iím on heroine! Er, I mean Iím just disgruntled.
Chloe: And Iím a lesbian! Er, I mean Iím just disgruntled.
Jack: If youíre going to be disgruntled, then talk to Adam.
Chloe: No. He hates women.
Jack: Well, if heís gay and youíre a lesbian, then you two would make the perfect couple!
Chloe: Wow, you really are on heroine.
Jack: Shut up.
*Kim enters another ďTeri-dyedĒ replica room, when suddenly someone from behind approaches...*
Audience: Ahhh! Itís PsychoDad! Wait, no! Itís SleazyCop! No, itís CrazyLonnie! No, itís the other, dumber Ramon! Wait. No. Itís...THE COUGAR!!!!
Writers: AHAHAHAHA! Psyche! What a bunch of gullible saps!
*audience finds out that itís Chase*
Audience: Oh. Well, we donít care about you anyway.
Chase: But weíre lovers, see??? *kisses Kim*
Audience: Big deal. We looked at all the spoilers over the summer.
Kim: Hey, hey! Break it up!
Dr. Macer: The virus kills within 24 hours. Thereís a latency period and-
Audience: Hmmm...this parallels Masonís deterioration wayyyy too much. Iím not watching anymore.
Tony: You can log on, but you can never leave. AHAHAHAHA!
Audience: Touche, hombre.
*Cut to Kyle with cocaine*
Kyle: Oh come on. Like you havenít done it before...
Hippie portion of audience: Touche.
Kyleís mom: Honey...daddy is an incompetent worker and mommy lost her driverís license because, well...Iím just a typical erratic California driver. So, like, could you drive me to Dialysis?
Kyle: Oooh, is that the new rock band that just came into town?
Kyleís mom: ........
Kyle: Whatever mom. I have things to do...stupid teenage-Kim-like things...yeah.
Kyleís mom: Who the hell is Kim?
David: And you see...that is why my economic reform plan will surely ďpump California up!Ē
Reporters: Ahahaha! Very good, sir!
Wayne: Good, David. I like the ďCalifornians are dumbĒ approach, but you need to let the people know about the fact that it was your administration that arrested Max, Alex Trepkos, and Mandy.
David: Huh? Alex Trebek and Mandy Moore did who in the what now?
Wayne: Ahhh...just read the next CTU Subcommittee book. Oh, hey look! Itís your white biatch!
Dr. Packard: Hi, Iím the white Patty!
Wayne: Oh brother...
David: Yes, Wayne. I am your brother.
Jack: Just do it NOW, Chloe!
Chloe: Do what?
Jack: I donít know! Just do it NOWWWW!
Chase: What the hell are you doing, Jack?
Jack: I need you to fire Chloe. Sheís slow.
Chase: No, youíre just on heroine.
Jack: Shut up.
Dubbed voice: We are *beep* in possession *beep* of a *beep* type 3 *beep* culinary virus *beep*...
Audience: STOP THE BEEPING ALREADY!!!!!
Dubbed voice: Psssh...fine. *beep*
Michelle: We just got the name on our John Doe. He name is David Goss, a drug dealer and-
ďJohn DoeĒ Fans: JD was David Goss?! OMG! OMG! THANK YOU, FOX! CLOSURE! OH, SWEET CLOSURE!
Hector: Dump the bodies.
*Claudiaís eyes dilate*
Hector: I guess you truly are the Hispanic Kate.
*back to El Rancho Narcotico....*
Claudia: You promised to not expose my father and my little brother to your illegal business! You lied!
Hector: Hey, Iím a bad guy. What did you expect?
Kyle: *staring at Linda and friend* Dude, theyíre e hot.
Kyleís friend: Yeah. Letís do them after youíre done with your drug-related tomfoolery.
Audience: What the hell is this? ďThe O.C.Ē?
David: Well technically, it used to be.
Dr. Packard: Oh, but it still is. *gives David a long, wet one.* Here are your Viagra pills to keep that little David of yours throwing nice big stones.
David: I think Iíve died and gone to heaven.
Dr. Packard: No sweetie, Iím afraid that youíre Far From Heaven.
David: Yeah, itís gonna be another one of those long days...
Dr. Packard: How do you figure?
David: The writers told me.
Dr. Packard: Ah.
Chase: I know what Salazar did to you.
Jack: Shut up, stupid.
Chase: Tsk tsk. Youíre not supposed to add the ďstupidĒ until the next show.
Jack: Oh, sorry.
Chase: Look, Iím just saying that you do what you gotta do, man...cowboy...dude ...person...whatever.
*Jack turns off the lights and carefully prepares his secret life of drugs, while psychotic heroin music plays in the background*
Kim: *on phone* Hi dad. Iím here to ruin everything again...except in a good way.
Jack: Iím gonna need a hacksaw for you, Kim.
Jack: Nothing sweetie. Daddy loves you.
*Jack hangs up and throws piles of stuff all over the place*
Tony: What do you think Jackís doing in there?
Michelle: Heís probably enjoying some good cookiní with Nicole. *wink*
Michelle: Uhm...wait till the episode till you get shot. Youíll see.
Tony: Nicole? "Episode?" Shot? That's IN-SANE, Michelle! IN-SANE! *finger-twirl*
Jack: Hey, will you two SHUT UP DOWN THERE!?
-L.D. ("I've kicked it."-Jack Bauer)