24-A-Minute Season 3 ep 1

24 Episode 1, 1:00 - 2:00

So, with that, on behalf of "24-a-minute," I present to you the first hour...er, minute. :P


Previously on ď24Ē...

*Flashback of Palmer sorta-dying is shown*


David: Iím not dead, you idiots!

Audience: Oh.

Kiefer: The following takes place between 1 PM and 2 PM (Isnít original??? Because weíre starting during the middle of the day??? And itís not noon, but ONE? See??? Pssssh...youíre all a bunch of sorry saps!)

*cut to Random TerrorSquad on the loose in downtown LA*

Audience member #1: Oh great. Itís another one of those opening scenes where we donít know the f**k is going on, and yet at the same time, itís still kick-a$$.

Audience member #2: Hey, donít they always shoot the first scene in some foreign city that weíve never heard of?

AM #1: Heyyy...youíre right! You screwed us over, FOX!

*National Health Building thatís actually just some old office building blows up*

Lazy Security guard: Who? What? When? Where? How? AHHH! A dead body! Mommieee! Wahhh!!

*cut to prison...white hand touches virtual monitor*

Audience: *GASP* I wonder whoís hand it is?! Maybe itís PALMERíS!

*screen reveals that itís Jack*

Audience: Awww! I could have sworn that Palmerís hand was white!

*screen reveals other person is Chase*

Audience: ....Like, whatever. Who cares about you?

Ramon: Hey, Jack. Howís the coke coming along?

Jack: Not so good. I think Iíve gained 10 pounds. Iíd better switch to diet.

*enter lawyer*

Ramon: Hey, Iím gonna need a hacksaw.

Lawyer: What for?

Ramon: Nothing...except stabbing you and sending your sorry lawyer-a$$ to hell where it should be.

Lawyer: Ah. Well, in that case, just use my pen.

Ramon: Ooooh...thatís even better than a hacksaw! Thanks!

Lawyer: No prob- *gets stabbed* GAHHHH!!!

Jack: #$%&*!

Tech Guy: Dr. Macer, this was addressed to you...

Dr. Macer: Ooooh! I wonder what it could be? *sees dead body* Ewwww! Sickos!

Michelle: Hey, boys. Look! Cleavage!

Male Audience: WOO! YEAH!

Tony: Hey, girls. Look! Wedding rings!

Female Audience: Awww, thatís so cute!

Michelle: Tony, why do we have to go to Virginia? Thereís nothing there but trees and fields.

Tony: Yeah, that and one of the biggest intelligence databases in the entire country.

Michelle: Oh, that. Right.

Adam: Iím Jimmy Fallon!

Tony: No, youíre not. Youíre just some guy with a lot of eyeliner on!

Adam: Ah.

Tony: Almeida.

Dr. Macer: OMG! Itís Joaquim de Almeida! I just LOVED the way you talked to Jack through the one-way mirror!

Tony: Huh?

Dr. Macer: Who?

Tony: Aye, esto es muy estupido...

Dr. Macer: Que?

Chase: I still have barely any lines.

Jack: Nobody cares.

Chase: I do

*Palmer gets out of his limo*

Audience: OMG! Palmer is ALIVE...AGAIN!

*shows David and Wayne walking together*

Audience: OMG! After firing Patty, divorcing Sherry, and losing Lynne, David has discovered that he is gay!

Wayne: David, the advanced team dropped the ball.

Audience: Tee hee! He said ďball!Ē

Wayne: ...So, I fired Judy.

David: What else is new in this administration?

Reporter: Were you uneasy about coming back to Los Angeles, sir?

David: After almost being assassinated on 3 separate occasions and being impeached? Of course not!

*As they walk away, Wayne helps David up after breathing heavily and holds his shoulder*

Audience: Awwww...theyíre so cute together!

DA: Jack, letís do this.

Jack: No, Iím doing this my way.

*in the car...*

Chase: Hey, that wasnít fair! Even that guy got more lines than I did!

Jack: Shut up.

Chase: So, how are ya doiní, dude?

Jack: Shut up.

*Jackís cell phone rings*

Kate: Hi Jack. Itís Ka-

Jack: You ESPECIALLY shut up!

Kate: I donít...understand.

Jack: What isnít there to understand? You suck. You donít even make a living. You just live off of your dadís money and all you ever do these days is go to Country Clubs and parties so that you donít have to be a total loser.

Kate: *eyes dilate* Iím sorry, Jack. Let me take care of things. I can bring over your jacket! Yeah, heh, thatís it. See, Iím still useful to the plot!

Jack: Itís sad really... *hangs up*

*Kateís eyes dilate once more and she stands there motionless for several hours (see the upcoming ďKate Warnerís Wacky Subplot!Ē thread for more information)

Chase: What was that about?

Jack: Shut up.

Tony: Michelle, you wonít get the job until after the election.

Michelle: Not like it matters anyway, since youíll be incapacitated within a matter of a few hours...

Tony: Huh?

Michelle: Nothing.

*Camera slowly zooms in on the behind of a blonde-haired mensa girl...itís Kim!*

Kim: Adam, send the files to me.

Adam: No.

Kim: Why? Because you hate women?

Adam: No, I just hate you.

Kate: Ah. Well, in that case, allow me to wreak more havoc on the show, yet at the same time, demonstrate proficient computer skills and divulge witty remarks by blocking out your terminal.

*makes sly glance at Adam*

Adam: Uhm...whatís with the seductive glance?

Kim: For attracting more horny male viewers and scaring you. It serves a dual purpose really.

Adam: Ah.

Claudia: Iím the Hispanic Kate Warner!

Claudiaís father: And Iím the Hispanic Bob Warner!

Hector: And Iím the Hispanic Gaines!

Claudia: Or maybe Iím the Hispanic Marie!

Hector: Or maybe Iím the Hispanic Reza!

*Hectorís cell phone rings*

Hector: Si?

Gael: And Iím the Hispanic Mole! AHAHAHAHAHA!

Hector: Thatís already been done, stupid!

Gael: Yes, but Iím male and nobody but you knows that Iím a mole!

Hector: Ah. Carry on then.

Jack: Iím on heroine! Er, I mean Iím just disgruntled.

Chloe: And Iím a lesbian! Er, I mean Iím just disgruntled.

Jack: If youíre going to be disgruntled, then talk to Adam.

Chloe: No. He hates women.

Jack: Well, if heís gay and youíre a lesbian, then you two would make the perfect couple!

Chloe: Wow, you really are on heroine.

Jack: Shut up.

*Kim enters another ďTeri-dyedĒ replica room, when suddenly someone from behind approaches...*

Audience: Ahhh! Itís PsychoDad! Wait, no! Itís SleazyCop! No, itís CrazyLonnie! No, itís the other, dumber Ramon! Wait. No. Itís...THE COUGAR!!!!

Writers: AHAHAHAHA! Psyche! What a bunch of gullible saps!

*audience finds out that itís Chase*

Audience: Oh. Well, we donít care about you anyway.

Chase: But weíre lovers, see??? *kisses Kim*

Audience: Big deal. We looked at all the spoilers over the summer.

Chase: Geeks!

Audience: Loser!

Kim: Hey, hey! Break it up!

Dr. Macer: The virus kills within 24 hours. Thereís a latency period and-

Audience: Hmmm...this parallels Masonís deterioration wayyyy too much. Iím not watching anymore.

Tony: You can log on, but you can never leave. AHAHAHAHA!

Audience: Touche, hombre.

Tony: Que?

*Cut to Kyle with cocaine*

Audience: LOSER!!!

Kyle: Oh come on. Like you havenít done it before...

Hippie portion of audience: Touche.

Kyleís mom: Honey...daddy is an incompetent worker and mommy lost her driverís license because, well...Iím just a typical erratic California driver. So, like, could you drive me to Dialysis?

Kyle: Oooh, is that the new rock band that just came into town?

Kyleís mom: ........

Kyle: Whatever mom. I have things to do...stupid teenage-Kim-like things...yeah.

Kyleís mom: Who the hell is Kim?

David: And you see...that is why my economic reform plan will surely ďpump California up!Ē

Reporters: Ahahaha! Very good, sir!

Wayne: Good, David. I like the ďCalifornians are dumbĒ approach, but you need to let the people know about the fact that it was your administration that arrested Max, Alex Trepkos, and Mandy.

David: Huh? Alex Trebek and Mandy Moore did who in the what now?

Wayne: Ahhh...just read the next CTU Subcommittee book. Oh, hey look! Itís your white biatch!

Dr. Packard: Hi, Iím the white Patty!

Wayne: Oh brother...

David: Yes, Wayne. I am your brother.

Jack: Just do it NOW, Chloe!

Chloe: Do what?

Jack: I donít know! Just do it NOWWWW!

Chase: What the hell are you doing, Jack?

Jack: I need you to fire Chloe. Sheís slow.

Chase: No, youíre just on heroine.

Jack: Shut up.

Dubbed voice: We are *beep* in possession *beep* of a *beep* type 3 *beep* culinary virus *beep*...


Dubbed voice: Psssh...fine. *beep*

Michelle: We just got the name on our John Doe. He name is David Goss, a drug dealer and-


Hector: Dump the bodies.

*Claudiaís eyes dilate*

Hector: I guess you truly are the Hispanic Kate.

*back to El Rancho Narcotico....*

Claudia: You promised to not expose my father and my little brother to your illegal business! You lied!

Hector: Hey, Iím a bad guy. What did you expect?

Kyle: *staring at Linda and friend* Dude, theyíre e hot.

Kyleís friend: Yeah. Letís do them after youíre done with your drug-related tomfoolery.

Audience: What the hell is this? ďThe O.C.Ē?

David: Well technically, it used to be.

Dr. Packard: Oh, but it still is. *gives David a long, wet one.* Here are your Viagra pills to keep that little David of yours throwing nice big stones.

David: I think Iíve died and gone to heaven.

Dr. Packard: No sweetie, Iím afraid that youíre Far From Heaven.

David: Yeah, itís gonna be another one of those long days...

Dr. Packard: How do you figure?

David: The writers told me.

Dr. Packard: Ah.

Chase: I know what Salazar did to you.

Jack: Shut up, stupid.

Chase: Tsk tsk. Youíre not supposed to add the ďstupidĒ until the next show.

Jack: Oh, sorry.

Chase: Look, Iím just saying that you do what you gotta do, man...cowboy...dude ...person...whatever.

*Jack turns off the lights and carefully prepares his secret life of drugs, while psychotic heroin music plays in the background*

Kim: *on phone* Hi dad. Iím here to ruin everything again...except in a good way.

Jack: Iím gonna need a hacksaw for you, Kim.

Kim: Huh??

Jack: Nothing sweetie. Daddy loves you.

*Jack hangs up and throws piles of stuff all over the place*

Tony: What do you think Jackís doing in there?

Michelle: Heís probably enjoying some good cookiní with Nicole. *wink*

Tony: Who?

Michelle: Uhm...wait till the episode till you get shot. Youíll see.

Tony: Nicole? "Episode?" Shot? That's IN-SANE, Michelle! IN-SANE! *finger-twirl*

Jack: Hey, will you two SHUT UP DOWN THERE!?



-L.D. ("I've kicked it."-Jack Bauer)